I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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