Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
