Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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