I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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