Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
