Your face is a jimmy john
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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