Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize