He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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