Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
false alarm, still single
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
