Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
