I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
