when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
