Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
