I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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