you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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