I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
