I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
two words...techno handjob
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
