so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
