i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize