just come out here and I will go home with you...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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