Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
