Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
