i'm signing you up for texting rehab
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
