I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
