Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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