mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
