in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
