i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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