she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
