Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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