This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
