Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
