His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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