Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
one two three fourrrrnication!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
