Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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