i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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