WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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