My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
