It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
