I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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