I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
