Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
