My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
