Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
