Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
