also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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