im drinking this country out of the recession.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize