Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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