He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
