Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
