Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
