I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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