forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Randomize
