i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My feet surprised me
They left me at home... I'm a liability
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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