why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
