guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
