I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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