Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
