He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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