so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
