Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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