i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
