Your mouth is God's brothel.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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